Tuesday, January 11, 2011

How My Husband Writes a Grocery List

On Monday, I knew snow was being forecasted for Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. So, being the organized and slightly crowd-averse suburban mom that I am, I went to the grocery store on Monday afternoon.

That night, my husband says to me, "You really should go to the store tomorrow.  In case we get snowed-in."

"Oh, I don't have to!" I replied enthusiastically, "I went today!" I have never felt more on-top-of things in my life. For once, I was the ant and not the grasshopper.

"Listen to all the stuff I got - salmon, and rice, for dinner. Clementines and honey for desert. The kids love dipping them. For breakfast we have oatmeal. Or I can make eggs. And chicken and red pepper sausage. With basil! Tons of snack food -  blueberries, a few mangoes, the strawberries looked good, so I got two containers of those, pop corn, those pistachios you like, a bunch of yogurt, and those baby cheeses that Ziggy loves. We're all good. Oh! And I almost forgot - maple syrup to make sno-cones!"

He looked back at me, blankly. Paused a moment and then says:

"I don't want any of that. You know I don't want any of that."

And he continued: "You need to go to the store tomorrow and get stuff for me."

My husband likes to eat junk food I barely even consider to be food at all, they are so processed and manufactured. So, I refuse to buy it in my super-supportive wifely way. I shop for the family during the week and he shops for himself on Saturdays (and puts the food in his specially designated "Daddy drawer").  I really wanted to argue I was not going back to the store on the stupid-busy-day-before-the-snow-comes-day, but then I figured, I'll just go. It won't kill me to be nice just this once. But it's still really irritating.

I got to the store, opened the email he had sent me with the innocuous Subject line: Tuesday Grocery List

And this it what it said:

thanks for doing this honey!
i would like for wednesday snow day:

Breakfast:
white bread -- i dont care if there is hfcs or not

sausage -- MOTHERFUCKING BROWN N SERVE REGULAR FLAVOR FULL STRENGTH FUCKIN PIG NO-FRUIT SAUSAGE. links or patties.

microwave bacon -- oscar meyer is good.

some kind of hash browns / potatoes to make with french toast. they could be toaster hash brown patties, or it could be something you could make in a pan.

Lunch:

get a couple packages of tuna in a pouch for me and kay for lunch.

can you get a bag of potato chips please. low-sodium if you have to. but otherwise REGULAR FUCKING FULL STRENGTH POTATO CHIPS. NONE OF THIS GREEN, PURPLE SHIT. REGULAR FUCKING POTATO CHIPS OF SOME BRAND IVE HEARD OF BEFORE PLEASE.

i would take some new england clam chowder from somewhere if we dont have some already.

Dinner:

Chicken breasts (THIN SLICED), or ground beef (80-20; ALL BEEF NONE OF THIS SICKO VEAL AND PORK SHIT PLEASE).

If you want to make pretzel crusted chicken, then pick up some pretzels too. REAL PRETZELS. WITH SALT ON THEM. MOTHERFUCKER.

Vegetable to eat with the chicken?
Dessert: Could you please pick up a package of the pre-cut toll house or nestle choc chip cookies in the flat dough that i like to make?

THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING EVERY SPECIFICATION ABOVE TO THE LETTER!!!!

love
m

______

Thanks to everyone who is here via Pinterest, hello and welcome!

For more funny stuff, be sure to check out my full list of Instructions for My Husband.

And for even more funny stuff, be sure and like Random Handprints on Facebook, and follow me @Anna_Sandler on Twitter. Because my husband is a constant source or new material.

33 comments:

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

He sounds like he really loves you. You are one lucky woman.

Anna said...

uh huh. lucky indeed!

l.e.s.ter said...

"I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?"

Jill said...

Ha ha! Now I'm hungry. Oh, and me like the junk food too

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Last year, this would have been a post for IFM. Oh, how I miss IFM!

Big City Mom said...

I miss IFM too. And M still needs lots of I! I am bringing it back here, as Helpful Tips for Husbands and Fathers. About 1,847 posts stockpiled and ready to go!

ape2016 said...

This is hysterical. I love the instructions for the potato chips!!

Katy said...

Wow. What a charmer! Guess clear communications is not one of his downfalls. :)

Anna said...

yes, between the grocery lists and the pleated pants, i remember how lucky i am every day!

margaretreyesdempsey said...

OMG. I'm here from your guest post over at Fordeville. This is absolutely hysterical. I'm forwarding it after I read it again. :-)

I'm Jennifer. said...

Your huz wrote the awesomest grocery list I've ever seen. As a vegetarian I wouldn't eat any of it, but I love reading his descriptions!
No Fluff on the list though ;)

Christa the BabbyMama said...

This made me laugh for the first time today! Thank you to your husband for being so, er, outspoken!

Anonymous said...

He sounds like a real keeper....

MKS365Project said...

Hahahahaha I barely got past the sausage without cry laughing. I even read it out loud to myself. Absolutely hilarious!

Jill said...

Looks like my list!

The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears said...

We have every one of those items in our house. Because I get sick of my husband bitching that "We never have anything to eat!" since what I prefer to buy isn't stuff that will still be good in 2023.

Julie said...

At least he's honest?

hilljean said...

I think I just found my husband's twin.

My Half Assed Life said...

Well at least he is specific. ;-) I hate it when I ask people what the want and they say Something, or Anything. I've walked up and down those effing grocery aisles a million times and I have yet to see either Something or Anything.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom said...

*snicker* Sounds like my Hubs. Well, what goes on in my Hubs' brain. He'd never actually say all that for fear of retaliation. LOL.

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Dude! My husband would have been told I didn't NEED to do anything, but that's probably why I'm divorced! :-)

Happy Saturday Sharefest.

Hope you are all safe up there!

Angie Nelson said...

Hi-lar-ious! A little 80-20 ground beef makes any snow storm a little easier to handle. ;)

Making Our Life Matter said...

Happy Sharefest. As I am sitting here drinking my smoothie, I am laughing hysterically! Love it!

Melanie Cheripka said...

rofl OMG that's hilarious!!! My husband just asked what I'm laughing about...Ummmm I can totally sympathize!!!

Happy Sharefest!!
The 5th Level of Motherhood

Homemakersdaily.com said...

Very funny. Guess he knows what he wants!

Visiting from SITS.

Dani said...

HA! Wow. When my husband and I first moved in together he still ate at his Moms house....a lot. She's in her 80s and has no concept of cooking ANYTHING without lard and properly storing leftovers. Needless to say he stayed sick most of the time. After I put a stop to that crap he was eating and changed his diet he realized he felt better and wasn't sick all the time. Now he gets upset if there's ground beef in the spaghetti sauce instead of just veggies.

ShaunaQ said...

That was hilar! My husband wanted to know what I was laughing about and I red it to him and we both laughed about it!

People may make assumptions about this up you know this is what husbands really think.

Newest follower from SITS!

www.mommacandy.com

Oh, and I'm totally sharing this post on Facebook because I think it's that funny. Hope you don't mind!

Ronni @ Anywhere Is said...

Oh my. This made me LOL. Seriously. Your husband is hilarious.

Anna ~ RandomHandprints.com said...

@Sorta Southern Single Mom - you make a good point, totally not needs. He's sitting in next time I explain wants vs. needs to the kids!

Nikki said...

HAha, this made me giggle! He sounds like my boyfriend. I'm a new follower via Twitter from SITS. I hope you and the family have a great weekend!

Nikki
www.TheCraftySideOfSarcasm.com

Busy Wife, Healthy Life said...

This is soooooo my husband too. And best of all, he is a fine dining chef. And still eats mainly crap! Awesome.

http://busywifehealthylife.blogspot.com/

lisapollard said...

I freaking love his list. Too funny how he needed to clarify certain things.

lisapollard said...

I freaking love his list. Too funny how he needed to clarify certain things.

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