Tuesday, January 11, 2011
How My Husband Writes a Grocery List
That night, my husband says to me, "You really should go to the store tomorrow. In case we get snowed-in."
"Oh, I don't have to!" I replied enthusiastically, "I went today!" I have never felt more on-top-of things in my life. For once, I was the ant and not the grasshopper.
"Listen to all the stuff I got - salmon, and rice, for dinner. Clementines and honey for desert. The kids love dipping them. For breakfast we have oatmeal. Or I can make eggs. And chicken and red pepper sausage. With basil! Tons of snack food - blueberries, a few mangoes, the strawberries looked good, so I got two containers of those, pop corn, those pistachios you like, a bunch of yogurt, and those baby cheeses that Ziggy loves. We're all good. Oh! And I almost forgot - maple syrup to make sno-cones!"
He looked back at me, blankly. Paused a moment and then says:
"I don't want any of that. You know I don't want any of that."
And he continued: "You need to go to the store tomorrow and get stuff for me."
My husband likes to eat junk food I barely even consider to be food at all, they are so processed and manufactured. So, I refuse to buy it in my super-supportive wifely way. I shop for the family during the week and he shops for himself on Saturdays (and puts the food in his specially designated "Daddy drawer"). I really wanted to argue I was not going back to the store on the stupid-busy-day-before-the-snow-comes-day, but then I figured, I'll just go. It won't kill me to be nice just this once. But it's still really irritating.
I got to the store, opened the email he had sent me with the innocuous Subject line: Tuesday Grocery List
And this it what it said:
thanks for doing this honey!
i would like for wednesday snow day:
white bread -- i dont care if there is hfcs or not
sausage -- MOTHERFUCKING BROWN N SERVE REGULAR FLAVOR FULL STRENGTH FUCKIN PIG NO-FRUIT SAUSAGE. links or patties.
microwave bacon -- oscar meyer is good.
some kind of hash browns / potatoes to make with french toast. they could be toaster hash brown patties, or it could be something you could make in a pan.
get a couple packages of tuna in a pouch for me and kay for lunch.
can you get a bag of potato chips please. low-sodium if you have to. but otherwise REGULAR FUCKING FULL STRENGTH POTATO CHIPS. NONE OF THIS GREEN, PURPLE SHIT. REGULAR FUCKING POTATO CHIPS OF SOME BRAND IVE HEARD OF BEFORE PLEASE.
i would take some new england clam chowder from somewhere if we dont have some already.
Chicken breasts (THIN SLICED), or ground beef (80-20; ALL BEEF NONE OF THIS SICKO VEAL AND PORK SHIT PLEASE).
If you want to make pretzel crusted chicken, then pick up some pretzels too. REAL PRETZELS. WITH SALT ON THEM. MOTHERFUCKER.
Vegetable to eat with the chicken?
Dessert: Could you please pick up a package of the pre-cut toll house or nestle choc chip cookies in the flat dough that i like to make?
THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING EVERY SPECIFICATION ABOVE TO THE LETTER!!!!
Thanks to everyone who is here via Pinterest, hello and welcome!
For more funny stuff, be sure to check out my full list of Instructions for My Husband.
And for even more funny stuff, be sure and like Random Handprints on Facebook, and follow me @Anna_Sandler on Twitter. Because my husband is a constant source or new material.