I love the Earth but I Don't Love Earth Day

This originally ran on In the Powder Room in 2013. I'm re-running it here because two years later and I'm still in favor of more tree-hugging, less green-washing.

While the origins of Earth Day are admirable and pure – a day dedicated to environmental awareness and education  – Earth Day in 2015 is no longer really about those founding values. I suggest we all do Mother Nature a favor and not celebrate Earth Day.

While hippies and wannabe hippies everywhere have been busy adjusting their solar panels and building rain barrels in an ongoing pursuit of an eco-fabulous lifestyle, it seems just about every big company has re-branded Earth Day as its own totally amazing marketing opportunity.

There are tons of Earth Day-themed children’s shows, because if encouraging kids to sit on the couch and waste electricity watching TV doesn’t honor the earth, I don’t know what does. Disney gives us a new episode of Handy Manny, The Earth Day Challenge, and PBS and Scholastic present the video WordGirl: Earth Day Girl ($14.99). Yay for sedentary indoor lifestyles! Totes eco-friendly!

Scholastic further earns my ire by having its Earth Day school unit sponsored by Keep America Beautiful, an organization that can appear as eco-friendly on the outside as it wants, but can’t change the fact that it’s funded largely by Coca-Cola, PepsiCo and Nestle Waters. Oh, and by Altria – which despite the benign sounding name owns Philip Morris, and even the most skilled advertiser can't convince me cigarettes keep America even a little bit beautiful. These corporations are Mother Nature’s frenemies at best, and yet somehow they’re the ones throwing her party.

My earth-loving heart also holds a special place of scorn for Oriental Trading Company. While I do not begrudge their right to sell mass-produced items of questionable quality that have a pretty straight trajectory from birthday party goodie bag to landfill, I do condemn them for selling that same crap in the name of Earth Day.

A few items from Oriental Trading’s Earth Day offerings include “I love the earth” stickers ($2.50 per 100 sticker roll) and latex balloons ($4.50 per dozen), which are described as “a fun way to start your Earth Day activities.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually start save-the-earth activities by destroying the planet. But maybe that’s just me.  

Corporations aren’t the only ones dissing Mama Earth on her big day. Government agencies are getting in on the Earth Day “celebrating” too. In fact, the State of Utah’s Oil, Gas & Mining Agency is hosting an Earth Day poster contest that asks kids to answer this environmental conundrum: “Where would WE be without oil, gas & mining?” That’s right, an ode to the destruction of the planet was created not just for any holiday, but specifically in honor of EarthDay.

This year, let's celebrate Earth Day on Wednesday, April 22, the way the original Earth Day organizers intended -- by encouraging conservation through awareness and education, not consumption. Let’s tell the companies we’re literally not buying any of their Earth Day crap.

You won't find me in line at the Disney store’s Earth Day celebration waiting for a cast member to give me my 327th “eco-friendly” tote bag, but I will take a hike with my kids. And while we’re in the woods, we just might hug a tree and whisper, “Happy Earth Day.”

Passover: The Endurance Event of the Jewish Holidays

This post originally ran last year on In the Powder Room.

I remember Jon Stewart joking back in the late 1990s (does that make me old?) that Judaism was the best religion because you could wipe out all of your sins in just one day:

Yom Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of atonement. You don’t eat for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little “Lent.” What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you’re paying retail.

This one magical day of Yom Kippur occurs in the fall, and with my clean slate firmly intact, I was able to waltz through the tinsel-garlanded end of December without self-pity, knowing that my religion was pretty great, too. What it might lack in jolly ho-ho-hos it certainly made up for in quick-n-easy absolution of sin.

But when springtime comes, my Jewish pride sometimes has a momentary pause. Whereas Hanukkah can literally hold a candle to Christmas, Passover offers cardboard-like food and a story of despair in the desert while Easter happily flaunts pastel baskets filled with jelly beans and chocolate bunnies.

Not only that, but Passover is the marathon of Jewish holidays, with eight days and eight nights of observance - carb-free, beer-free observance.

But first, let me begin at the beginning.

Before the Passover holiday even starts the entire house needs to be cleaned from top to bottom. If you are more pious, this cleaning must be done by feather and candlelight. And if you're lucky like me, with three small children helpfully screaming, "MOM!!!!! YOU MISSED A SPOT!!!!!"

Once the deep clean is over, all food with leavening of any kind must be located and thrown away. Sure, you might be able to live without bagels and pasta for a week, but this isn't just a holiday about eight days of carb-free living, this holiday encompasses so many more things on its list of Do Not Eat. So goodbye yummy processed foods laden with corn syrup. Goodbye Cheetos and Doritos. Goodbye mommy's hidden stash of gummy bears, see ya next week!

The first two nights of Passover are seders, which include the re-telling of the holiday story and a large festive meal. The seder can't even begin until sundown, which this year was around 7:00 pm. Then the kids have to listen semi-quietly to a very loooong story that includes boils, locusts, pestilence, and even the slaying of children. It's a lot, even for the most well-behaved kids.

As a treat for the children, and our only way of keeping them going through each and every story and song, is the promise that a special piece of matzoh, called the Afikoman, has been hidden, and that once they find the Afikoman and return it to the table, they'll receive money or a small gift.

And then - I kid you not - that matzoh is served for dessert. Afikoman literally means "that which comes after," aka dessert. Okay, I kid a little, there are other desserts, but not the kind that scream special occasion. There are fruit compotes and sponge cakes made from potato starch. There are cookies that aren't quite right which have been fashioned from chopped nuts and shredded coconut. And don't even get me started on the attempts to liven up matzoh with various coatings from carob to caramel.

Even after forty-eight hours of late nights and mornings that greet you with Kosher-for-Passover cereal and boiled eggs instead of bagels and muffins, the fun is just beginning. There are still six more days of the Passover holiday. And this is where the real endurance test kicks in big time. Here you are living carb-free and junk food-free, still tired from your pre-holiday cleaning, when the final endurance test is upon you: the kids are home from school. And not just for a few days, but for the entirety of the holiday.

Just you and the kids, and the joy of reminding them 683 times an hour that no, there's no cake, no cookies, not even a graham cracker in the house. But look kids, there's matzoh pizza! Matzoh mac 'n cheese! Matzoh chicken nuggets!

And did I mention that there is also no beer in the house? Or doughnuts. Or cookie dough ice cream. Nor will there be anytime soon.

But thank G-d, there's wine. It may be Kosher-for-Passover wine, but at least it pairs well with matzoh.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I love St. Patrick's Day in all its drunken revelry as much as I love the hoards of inebriated Santas roaming the streets during the annual delightful day drinking event, SantaCon.

I know now based on the Facebook updates of my peers, my opinion is not the one that is widely held.

Apparently most if not all of my middle aged friends want to avoid the trains, the streets and everywhere else that the youth of America might be puking while celebrating. I get it. I hear you. But still. There's something to me completely endearing about young people who might otherwise have nothing in common finding just that in these celebrations of questionable merit.

And for that reason, I'll always love St. Patrick's Day and SantaCon. Even if no one else does.

As for me, I was home making Leprechaun pudding for my children, because that's how I roll these days. As may or may not come as a surprise, it did not turn out as planned.

You can find out all about how (not) to make Leprechaun pudding at my home-away-from-home, CraftFail.

What Do Martin Luther King, Jr. and Penguins Have in Common?

This post is from last year in case the MLK Jr. date in the photo is causing confusion. MLK, Jr. Day is Jan. 19 this year. Penguin Awareness Day is always January 20.

This Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

I'm guessing this is not a surprise to you.

But did you also know that this Monday is Penguin Awareness Day?

I'm guessing this one is more likely to come as a surprise to you, unless your child attends school with my children, in which case you know that Monday is in fact this important dual holiday because you also have this calendar from the school hanging on your refrigerator:

And if you also have this calendar I am guessing you share at least some of the same thoughts as me:

- Why out of the many holidays celebrated in January are New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Penguin Awareness Day the only ones singled out in the school calendar? It should be noted that Penguin Awareness Day is always on January 20, whereas Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is always the third Monday in January, so these two won't meet again until 2020.

- Squirrel Awareness Day is January 21. Not only is it not featured this year, but more importantly, when it overlapped last year with Martin Luther King Day it still didn't get a shout-out on the school calendar. If this isn't a blatant case of  anti-Squirrel-ism, I don't know what is.

- Who in the school office approved inclusion of Penquin Awareness Day? Is there a secret penguin bias at the elementary school I don't know about? Is this why my daughter never gets an A in social studies?

- Is it not just a little disrespectful to make the great Martin Luther King, Jr. share his calendar square with the penguins? Or, would he be the first to gladly include the penguins, and one would presume, the squirrels as well?

What do you think? Are the three main holidays in January: New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Penguin Awareness Day? Or should Old Rock Day (January 7), Houseplant Appreciation Day (January 10), Winnie the Pooh Day (January 18) and Backward Day (January 31) also be recognized?


Should I start a petition to send to the school? Who's with me?

From the Archives: The Best Thing My Three Year Says

As part of my New Year's Resolution to clean my house, I'm also going through the 300+ unpublished draft posts on my blog. (Mostly to procrastinate from actual cleaning of my house, but whatever. I'm still counting this as a "productive use of my time.")

Most of the drafts are getting deleted on the basis of them being either utterly old news or totally unintelligible. But this one is seeing the light of Internet day, solely because of the cuteness.

My son Ziggy when he was three (now age five!) used to always say:

Can you give me a leaf pile?

As in:

Mom, I'd like a leaf pile of chips.

Can I please have a leaf pile of strawberries?

I want a leaf pile of cheese!

And how could I forget:

You call that a leaf pile of chocolate chips? That is not a leaf pile! That is only three leafs. Not a leaf pile!

Craft Failing...Online *and* in Print!

It's a double craft fail day here at Random Handprints!

First, my advent calendar gone wrong was featured on Monday on CraftFail.com! Check it out in all its imperfect glory in Unattractive Advent Calendar Adventure.

Also, just when you thought my craft failing couldn't get any better (or would that be worse?) I'm featured in the newly released Craft Fail book! Check out CraftFail: When Homemade Goes Horribly Wrong.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has crafts that don't turn out exactly as planned.

Who knew a description of a gallon of milk could be so hilarious?

I can't remember who told me to check out the Amazon commentary on Tuscan Whole Milk, but I'm sure glad I did. There are too many funny reviews to mention them all, but let's just say I am in awe of the humor people find can find in the humble, unassuming milk gallon.

My personal favorite is this one from J. Fitzsimmons:

Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

Read all the reviews here.

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised by these funny milk reviews, since I already found the Amazon wit in full force in the reviews of Haribo Gummy Bears, Wooden Toilet Seats, and the AutoExec Wheelmate.

Do you have a favorite funny Amazon find?

Amazing bugs

Yesterday, I was on the phone.

My kids are pretty good about not interrupting me, because I'm not much of a phone talker, so if I'm using the phone chances are it's actually something important.

So I wasn't surprised to see my daughter Kay handing me a note.

However, I was a little more surprised when I read the contents of her note:

And I gotta tell you, amazing they were!

_____________

Note: The bugs weren't that amazing. Also, there was only one bug. And it wasn't actually a bug it was a moth. Still, I respect her ability to write a strong lede.

Marketing Fail: Bowtie Cinemas

I dunno about you, but to me, this selection of films is not exactly "returning style and elegance to the movie going experience."

Favorite Things Friday: Funny Reviews on Amazon

It truly amazes and delights me how many people are not only hilarious, but take the time to be hilarious and write incredibly funny product reviews on Amazon.


The first time I realized the funny faux review (or should that be faux-view?) was "a thing" was back when this review of Dora the Explorer - Dance to the Rescue was being shared around back in, can you believe it, 2005.


Then, in December I shared reviews of Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, followed in January by Wood Toilet Seats, both which are two of the most viewed posts ever on my blog.


Which tells me I'm not the only person who is a super-fan of the faux-view.
Today I share a favorite of my brother, the reviews of the AutoExec Wheelmate.


Not sure what this is exactly? It's nothing less than a spectacular invention that makes it possible to work while you drive with this convenient work tray that attaches to your steering wheel. Genius, right?


There are thousands of reviews discussing exactly how, uh, genius this product actually is, including a fantastic review by George Takei himself, which as you can imagine, is just perfect.

Make A Matzoh House! Make A Mess! Make Memories!

I love doing craft projects with my kids.

I love asking my mom to help us with some inane part of these craft projects, like finding 82 silver triangle shaped buttons, or in this case, a cardboard model on which to build a matzoh house which I was sure would end up looking something like this:

Alas, our matzoh house, it did not.

However what our matzoh house lacked in suitability as a Passover Seder centerpiece, it made up for as fodder for CraftFail. Read all about how not to make a matzoh house at Martha's Matzoh Mansion.

And many thanks to Robyn who not only described my ramshackle matzoh home as totally, utterly and completely Martha's fault, but created this as well:

Happy Passover!

Prestigious Sal Gosse Academe to Open in Montclair

I recently covered an amazing new preschool that is scheduled to open this fall in Montclair.

Click here to read more about the Sal Gosse Academe on BaristaKids, but I'll warn you now, you will wish you could go there, too when you read about all the incredible amenities at the school.

Breakfast at Our House

Scene: Father has just returned with bagels for the family's standard Sunday breakfast. Father serves bagels to the three children seated at the table, as mother drinks her coffee.

Father: What would you like on your bagel?

Nine-year-old: Cream Cheese and Lox.


Father: Sure, coming right up! And you, Kay? What would you like?

Seven-year-old: Butter. Please.


Father: Delighted to give you some butter, here you go! And Ziggy, what about you? What can I put on a bagel for you, buddy?

Four-year-old: Avocado and Chocolate Cake.


{End scene.}

I'd Like To Thank the Academy

With the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, I'm sharing this post from last year. I'm pretty sure we'll be winning again this year.


First, let me tell you I can't believe I've won. Honestly, it was enough just to be nominated.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about, dreamed about, this day. But I never really thought I'd be standing on stage before all of you accepting this award on behalf of the Loudest Family in America.

Just like everyone else there are days, so many days, when I feel like yes, yes I deserve this award. We are the Loudest Family in America.

And then there are days when for ten, sometimes even twenty minutes, there is silence and I think no, no we will never win the coveted prize. We just aren't loud enough.

I cannot believe my three kids were able to win this award over larger, much larger, families. I want to congratulate the other nominees, I'm as surprised as you are that my three were chosen as the loudest against such truly loud families like the seven O'Leary brothers in Indianapolis, the quintuplets in Washington State and of course, the 4 sisters ages 13-17, each a year apart sharing a two-bedroom apartment with their moms in Queens. You are all amazingly loud kids, but I am just honored and thrilled, absolutely thrilled, that my kids are even louder children. It is, every mother's dream.

My advice to all the kids, to all the mothers, and to all the families who try and win this award next year is this:

1. Never take a day off. Be loud every day. Mother's Day, Dad's birthday, vacations... you need to keep up the screaming. And not just the regular screaming and mayhem of kids that takes place in homes across this land, take it up a notch! Scream the bath water is way too hot, and seconds later yell it's too cold. Don't ask politely for a bath towel when you can just as easily shriek that demand at the top of your lungs. And obviously, the brisk chill when you exit the bath is the perfect reason for totally nonsensical noises at all sorts of decibels. Persistence, this is the path to victory.

Every moment is a new opportunity for noise. Remember this, and never miss a chance - no moment is too small, too mundane to leave alone. And just as importantly, think outside the voice box! Your voice is not the only way to make sounds, you can be loud plenty of other ways. Add makeshift drums, play the rim of your water glass, drum your fingers on the table, it all adds to the overall noise level. That's how you win.

2. Don't let a brother or a sister steal your thunder. If your toddler brother is having a tantrum, don't wait 'til he's done to start your own screaming match with your sister. Start yours the moment he starts his. It's just basic science, more voices = more noise. THIS is how you win. And to all the tweens and teens out there? There is no time that's not the right time for you to have your own epic meltdown. Think you've outgrown irrational outbursts at all hours of the day and night? You have not. This is how you win.

3. Mom and Dad - you are part of the family too.You will not win Loudest Family in America with just the endless screeching and screaming of your children. You must be part of the melee too. My personal favorite is to scream at them to stop screaming - it's a perfect way to get them to scream much, much louder. And Dads? If you yell at the kids to quiet down, that really gets them going. This my friends, is how you win.

And last, it is my pleasure to thank my family. Without you there would be no loudness, no constant noise and I would not be here today, on this stage, accepting the prestigious award of Loudest Family in America on our behalf.

Thank you for being loud every day, from morning until night, without your dedication and spirit we would not be here today. And winning this award? It makes every noise-filled day all the sweeter.

Thank you.{Screaming ensues.}

 What award is your family must likely to win?

 

 

 

Instructions for My Husband: If We Are Renovating 'Together' and I'm the One Doing the Actual Work, That Doesn't Make You the 'Supervisor'

I'm thrilled to welcome guest instructor, Rheney Williams!

Here is her instruction for her husband: If We Are Renovating 'Together' and I'm the One Doing the Actual Work, That Doesn't Make You the 'Supervisor.'

I couldn't agree more. Thanks for sharing, Rheney!

My dearest darling husband,

You are my best friend. Nay – you are my other half!

And this is why when we agreed it would be a 'great opportunity' to buy a fixer-upper and renovate the mess out of it, we knew we could handle it because we'd be doing it together, right?

Two equal parts coming together as an awesomely indestructible whole, right?!

And since it's our first house, we'll be able to overcome any difficulty we have with ease and laugh it up as a part of the great 'adventure' that it is, right?!!

Cue the slow-mo shot with the happy, carefree couple bounding together in a lush meadow of daisies and release the doves. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh. So. Many. Things.

I can't remember when you decided you were 'done' with it all but I'm pretty sure the ink was still drying on the mortgage.

Yeah, you remember the mortgage, right, honey? It's that piece of paper that reflects a 'reasonable' purchase price because of all of the concessions for the 'fixing' we decided to do ourselves to save money.

Well, here's the thing: We didn't get a completely finished awesome house at a great price. We got a dump for a great price that we get to turn into an awesome house. And that nasty carpet and the teal laminate countertops aren't going to replace themselves.

But let's back up. I'm the first to give credit where it's due so let's do a quick recap on your contributions, shall we?

You did a bang-up job on painting the ceilings. They are all fresh and white and just wonderful. And your shoulders look ah-mazing! But...are you going to get the edges?

'Of course! Don't you worry; I'll take care of it!'

And you did. With a big fat roller. That left little smears all over my painstakingly cut-in walls around the entire room. That I now have to spend another afternoon of my life that I will never get back re-painting, and oh look, there's not enough paint in the can to re-do the whole room. So now I also have to schlepp it back to the paint store. Thanks for that.

Next time, do the edges with a brush.

But there's also our hardwood floors that we needed to bring inside to acclimate to the inside temperature before we could install them. When it came time to opening the boxes to let the wood breathe, what did you say?

'Of course! Don't you worry; I'll take care of it!'

And you did. At the end of a long day when you were tired and wanted to wrap up so you rushed through the box-opening process.

Only you ripped into every box like a rabid gorilla and now we have six boxes of extra hardwood flooring taking up space on my side of the garage (yours is spotless, of course) sitting atop shredded pieces of cardboard that we can't return because you deemed it appropriate to reenact a scene from 'Planet of the Apes.'

Truly outstanding. Good lookin' out.

Next time, don't try to do something with expensive materials when you're tired.

But the kitchen backsplash tiling situation truly takes the cake. This is the task that I took on so you could get a break from all of the hard projects.

And here you come waltzing in after a nice, long, relaxing jog on the treadmill that I haven't been able to use since last summer and you have the nerve to comment on the tile? No sir.

'Why do you keep leaving everything a mess?' Like you, I've never done this before, so I'm sorry that I had to go the store five times to get all 42 things you need to slap some tiles on a kitchen wall.

'Are you sure this tile was the way to go?' Actually, no, I wanted something very different but this was the best choice for the money that you insisted we stop spending even though this project was always in the budget.

'Why don't you try cutting them a different way?' Oh, I don't know – maybe because I'm the one who actually read the manual (three times) so that I could put together a saw and know exactly how to adjust it. And perhaps because marble is a 'soft' stone which means it will chip if it isn't cut just so.

'Should this be taking so long?' Really? That's what you're asking? Because the answer is: 'No. No it should not be taking this long. And it wouldn't be if you were pulling your half of the weight.'

And another thing, buddy, since when did you become a tiling expert? If you're not offering to actually help, you don't get to offer helpful 'tips' and suggestions on how I could be doing things better.

So seriously, either pick up a trowel and get to grouting or pipe down!

Love you, honey!! Can't wait for our next project!!

XOXO

Rheney Williams is a DIY woman on a mission who readily acknowledges that she couldn't Do-It-Herself without the support of her wonderful husband, Stephen. In addition to writing about projects for Home Depot, Rheney and Stephen are 'jointly' updating their home. Wherever you live, The Home Depot has a store near you with knowledgeable associates available to help with one-on-one advice for projects large and small.

Funny Amazon Reviews - Wood Toilet Seats (in Greater China)

After discovering the hysterical reviews of Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, I wondered are there more funny Amazon reviews?

The answer is yes.

I present in this edition of Funny Amazon Reviews, the reviews of The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China.

I know what you're thinking, eh sounds kinda dry. But trust me, while the actual report might be (and I'll never know because it's over $400), the reviews are not.

Click here to read them in all their snarky glory.

Instructions for My Husband: A Word Can Still Exist Even if You Have Never Heard It.

This post is sponsored by Grammarly. I use Grammarly's English grammar correction feature because I don't want my husband to be able to say to me "actually, you used an 'is' where you should have used an 'are'" or something else equally annoying.

While I know you are a stanch logophile, still, there are a few - possibly even more than a few - words you don't know. I am aware that you want to think you know every single word in the English language. We all do. It would be awesome.

But you don't know all of the words.

When I use in conversation one of the clearly very, very few words that you don't already know the incorrect response is, "Never heard of it. You must have that wrong."

The correct response is, " Oh cool, I learned a new word! I can't wait to use it at the office on Monday! What a lucky break for a logophile like me to learn a new word!"

The even more correct response is, "My wife has the most amazing vocabulary. I'm so lucky to be married to someone I can learn new words from all the time!"

And last, just for the record, lonsman really is another word for Jew, and a gondola doesn't only refer to a boat in Venice.

This is my thirty-sixth instruction in my ongoing series Instructions for my Husband.

Follow along on Facebook on the Instructions to my Husband page since something stupid funny is always going on there.

Have you read the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bear Reviews Yet?

I've seen a bunch of links floating through my Facebook feed saying the reviews of the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears are sooo hilarious. I thought, eh, how funny could they be? As funny as the Hutzler Banana Slicer reviews? I think not.

I could not have been more wrong.

The Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears reviews are beyond hilarious. Go. Read. Laugh.

Click here to read for yourself.


New here? Check out the Random Handprints Facebook page for more funny stuff, and Instructions for my Husband on Facebook for husband humor.

Amazon affiliate links embedded above, because why not? Oh, and just in case you're wondering, this post is in no way compensated by or endorsed by Haribo.

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