Saturday, February 23, 2013

I'd like to thank the Academy

First, let me tell you I can't believe I've won. Honestly, it was enough just to be nominated.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about, dreamed about, this day. But I never really thought I'd be standing on stage before all of you accepting this award on behalf of the Loudest Family in America.

Just like everyone else there are days, so many days, when I feel like yes, yes I deserve this award. We are the Loudest Family in America.

And then there are days when for ten, sometimes even twenty minutes, there is silence and I think no, no we will never win the coveted prize. We just aren't loud enough.

I cannot believe my three kids were able to win this award over larger, much larger, families. I want to congratulate the other nominees, I'm as surprised as you are that my three were chosen as the loudest against such truly loud families like the seven O'Leary brothers in Indianapolis, the quintuplets in Washington State and of course, the 4 sisters ages 13-17, each a year apart sharing a two-bedroom apartment with their moms in Queens. You are all amazingly loud kids, but I am just honored and thrilled, absolutely thrilled, that my kids are even louder children. It is, every mother's dream.

My advice to all the kids, to all the mothers, and to all the families who try and win this award next year is this:

1. Never take a day off. Be loud every day. Mother's Day, Dad's birthday, vacations... you need to keep up the screaming. And not just the regular screaming and mayhem of kids that takes place in homes across this land, take it up a notch! Scream the bath water is way too hot, and seconds later yell it's too cold. Don't ask politely for a bath towel when you can just as easily shriek that demand at the top of your lungs. And obviously, the brisk chill when you exit the bath is the perfect reason for totally nonsensical noises at all sorts of decibels. Persistence, this is the path to victory.

Every moment is a new opportunity for noise. Remember this, and never miss a chance - no moment is too small, too mundane to leave alone. And just as importantly, think outside the voice box! Your voice is not the only way to make sounds, you can be loud plenty of other ways. Add makeshift drums, play the rim of your water glass, drum your fingers on the table, it all adds to the overall noise level. That's how you win.

2. Don't let a brother or a sister steal your thunder. If your toddler brother is having a tantrum, don't wait 'til he's done to start your own screaming match with your sister. Start yours the moment he starts his. It's just basic science, more voices = more noise. THIS is how you win. And to all the tweens and teens out there? There is no time that's not the right time for you to have your own epic meltdown. Think you've outgrown irrational outbursts at all hours of the day and night? You have not. This is how you win.

3. Mom and Dad - you are part of the family too.You will not win Loudest Family in America with just the endless screeching and screaming of your children. You must be part of the melee too. My personal favorite is to scream at them to stop screaming - it's a perfect way to get them to scream much, much louder. And Dads? If you yell at the kids to quiet down, that really gets them going. This my friends, is how you win.


And last, it is my pleasure to thank my family. Without you there would be no loudness, no constant noise and I would not be here today, on this stage, accepting the prestigious award of Loudest Family in America on our behalf.

Thank you for being loud every day, from morning until night, without your dedication and spirit we would not be here today. And winning this award? It makes every noise-filled day all the sweeter.

Thank you.{Screaming ensues.}

 What award is your family must likely to win?
 
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11 comments:

Kerri said...

MAybe next year, I will win this award! I feel like I am always saying SHHH!

HouseTalkN Rossow said...

I guess I can't win every year. CONGRATULATIONS!

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Screaming during the screaming...LOL!

Congratulations on your award? ;)

Meredith said...

You are hysterical. Hey, now that I know that winning an award is an option, bring on the screaming! I have a feeling my family will be on board ;)

Chris Carter said...

Oh this is HILARIOUS!!!! I just love how you use this "Award"... in that sweetly sarcastic satisfying way!! Hmm....should I add some more CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!???????????? CAN YOU HEAR ME???????? lol

Lisa said...

I feel like I missed an opportunity! Surely if they had taken decibal levels inside of the mini-van on our last family vacation, we would have been declared the winners.

Becky@CharlieBrown said...

I don't know HOW you could have beat us.
When my boys aren't yelling in argument, they yell from the basement of the house because they are too lazy to walk upstairs.
And in hopes of winning the title, they have chosen to bang on drums, blow trumpets and saxophones, sing at the top of their lungs, and even make car and fart noises EVERY OTHER MOMENT OF THE DAY.
Oh wait, I saw a picture of a girl in their. Congratulations - they tend to have lungs. :)

Terrye Toombs said...

oh man! I totally missed the competition! Not that my little guy could even compete. I guess I should be thankful he's non-vebal. But, the speech therapist assures me he'll learn to talk. I'm afraid he'll have 6 years of no talking to make up for all at once and then he'll drive us crazy! :)

Thank you for the laugh and congrats on being the loudest family!!! :) Happily following you via GFC now!

Darcy Perdu said...

So funny, and so true! I can't believe how many times I've stood at the bottom of the staircase screaming upstairs, "STOP SCREAMING!"

Mandy_Fish said...

The loudest one in our family is the smallest. How does that math work?

Rachel said...

I do hope that your prize pack included a bulk-sized bottle of Tylenol and some earplugs. And a bathtub in a soundproof room.

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