Thursday, December 18, 2014

How the Sony Hack Changed My (Email) Life

Before the giant hack of Sony employees' email, which made thousands of personal emails open for public consumption (and enjoyment), I never thought of anyone besides the intended recipient reading my email.

Now, I'm completely re-thinking my correspondence. Even a simple email to my husband requires second-guessing. For instance, this morning I needed to remind him to call and make sure someone was coming to fix the heat before the arctic chill predicted for next week got here.

Usually, I would write this email:

Hey asshole,
Can you finally call someone to fix the fucking heat in the basement today? Like actually today, not tomorrow. Seriously, it's only sorta cold right now but it's going to be way too cold next week and I'm going to tell the kids it's all your fault and it's because daddy doesn't love them AT ALL so make the goddamn call.  
Also I need you to call the dry cleaner, because I was just looking and there's still a stain on my shirt. So annoying. How can you send something to be dry cleaned and it still comes back dirty? So pissed, does no one do a good job at anything anymore? We should find a new dry cleaner. I would call myself, but that is going to be a totally awkward conversation because her English isn't that good, and as you know you're way better at that kind of thing. So call today.


But since the hack, I can't write that email! Because who knows who might read it and judge me:
1. For calling my husband an asshole, and
2. For being an entitled housewife complaining about the heat not working in the basement and about the dry cleaning not being right.

I sound like a horrendous person!

In addition to the prying eyes of the general public, what about my husband's boss? Is he going to get in trouble for doing personal things at work? I can't risk that!

So I am forced to revise the email, in case it is ever leaked, and write this:
Hey honey,
I love you! Hope you are having a great day at work! Is it okay that I'm emailing you there? I know you have rules about personal emails and I want to stay safely within those parameters.  
Quick question, do you think we should fix the heat in the basement? Totally up to you, whatever you think is best. The kids were just asking me about it and I was like, sure it's going to be fixed, but then one of them was asking if it wasn't fixed because you didn't love them, and I was like of course not! But then I worried they might think that, so just wanted to let you know in case you thought maybe we should get the heat fixed. Up to you, totally. I am great either way! I know we are beyond blessed to have heat in the rest of the house, and I am so grateful for that. And for you!
Also, if you had just like a tiny, quick second to call the dry cleaner during your lunch break I would really appreciate it. There's a small stain on my shirt, and given you and Mrs. Kwong's rapport I thought she might be more receptive to my request to have her take a second look at the shirt f it came from you. Even if she can't fix the stain, they are the best dry cleaners in town! So lucky to have them!
Thanks so much, love you tons and tons! 

And then, right as I'm about to finally push send, I think to myself, is it really enough to have re-written my email so that I appear to be a decent human being to the outside world, and so that my husband looks like a model employee? Is that all I need to do? Don't I also want to come across a a good writer? As someone possessing both a sense of humor and wisdom beyond my years, yet totally chill and relaxed?

Don't answer that: of course I do.

So I edit the email again:
What's up? It's getting like penguin-friendly down in the basement, and I don't know if you have a Mr. Popper thing going on purposely or not, but if not, maybe we should get the heat fixed? Or just get some penguins? LOL the kids would love that! (j/k)
Also, crazy story, but right after viewing nature's spectacular light show which was this morning's sunrise, I motored back from my jaunt into town to pick-up the dry cleaning, and I totes noticed a stain on my shirt. I'm pretty sure Mrs. Kwong left it there purposely as a commentary on modern life and its imperfections, but thought maybe we should check with her and make sure that was her intention. As you know, I'm all about living the mindful life.
Peace. xo

Argh! This person may be a better version of myself, but I don't care because I'm pretty sure the peace-and-love person who wrote that email isn't the same person who is getting the basement heat and the dry cleaning fixed by her husband. Today.

So I sent this email:
Calling you right now. Make sure you answer the phone. xo


Nancy Johnson Horn said...

LOL. You are hysterical. Is it okay to write that, I wouldn't want my comments to ever be used against me.. or get your site hacked (which has actually happened to me - they brought down one of my websites (not

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

This was so funny! Everyone forgets the mystery of the phone call. :) Ellen

Magpie said...

Heh. Make sure your phone isn't tapped.

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