What Do Martin Luther King, Jr. and Penguins Have in Common?

This post is from last year in case the MLK Jr. date in the photo is causing confusion. MLK, Jr. Day is Jan. 19 this year. Penguin Awareness Day is always January 20.

This Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

I'm guessing this is not a surprise to you.

But did you also know that this Monday is Penguin Awareness Day?

I'm guessing this one is more likely to come as a surprise to you, unless your child attends school with my children, in which case you know that Monday is in fact this important dual holiday because you also have this calendar from the school hanging on your refrigerator:

And if you also have this calendar I am guessing you share at least some of the same thoughts as me:

- Why out of the many holidays celebrated in January are New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Penguin Awareness Day the only ones singled out in the school calendar? It should be noted that Penguin Awareness Day is always on January 20, whereas Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is always the third Monday in January, so these two won't meet again until 2020.

- Squirrel Awareness Day is January 21. Not only is it not featured this year, but more importantly, when it overlapped last year with Martin Luther King Day it still didn't get a shout-out on the school calendar. If this isn't a blatant case of  anti-Squirrel-ism, I don't know what is.

- Who in the school office approved inclusion of Penquin Awareness Day? Is there a secret penguin bias at the elementary school I don't know about? Is this why my daughter never gets an A in social studies?

- Is it not just a little disrespectful to make the great Martin Luther King, Jr. share his calendar square with the penguins? Or, would he be the first to gladly include the penguins, and one would presume, the squirrels as well?

What do you think? Are the three main holidays in January: New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Penguin Awareness Day? Or should Old Rock Day (January 7), Houseplant Appreciation Day (January 10), Winnie the Pooh Day (January 18) and Backward Day (January 31) also be recognized?


Should I start a petition to send to the school? Who's with me?

From the Archives: The Best Thing My Three Year Says

As part of my New Year's Resolution to clean my house, I'm also going through the 300+ unpublished draft posts on my blog. (Mostly to procrastinate from actual cleaning of my house, but whatever. I'm still counting this as a "productive use of my time.")

Most of the drafts are getting deleted on the basis of them being either utterly old news or totally unintelligible. But this one is seeing the light of Internet day, solely because of the cuteness.

My son Ziggy when he was three (now age five!) used to always say:

Can you give me a leaf pile?

As in:

Mom, I'd like a leaf pile of chips.

Can I please have a leaf pile of strawberries?

I want a leaf pile of cheese!

And how could I forget:

You call that a leaf pile of chocolate chips? That is not a leaf pile! That is only three leafs. Not a leaf pile!

How the Sony Hack Changed My (Email) Life

Before the giant hack of Sony employees' email, which made thousands of personal emails open for public consumption (and enjoyment), I never thought of anyone besides the intended recipient reading my email.

Now, I'm completely re-thinking my correspondence. Even a simple email to my husband requires second-guessing. For instance, this morning I needed to remind him to call and make sure someone was coming to fix the heat before the arctic chill predicted for next week got here.

Usually, I would write this email:

Hey asshole,
Can you finally call someone to fix the fucking heat in the basement today? Like actually today, not tomorrow. Seriously, it's only sorta cold right now but it's going to be way too cold next week and I'm going to tell the kids it's all your fault and it's because daddy doesn't love them AT ALL so make the goddamn call.  

Also I need you to call the dry cleaner, because I was just looking and there's still a stain on my shirt. So annoying. How can you send something to be dry cleaned and it still comes back dirty? So pissed, does no one do a good job at anything anymore? We should find a new dry cleaner. I would call myself, but that is going to be a totally awkward conversation because her English isn't that good, and as you know you're way better at that kind of thing. So call today.

xo

---------

But since the hack, I can't write that email! Because who knows who might read it and judge me:
1. For calling my husband an asshole, and
2. For being an entitled housewife complaining about the heat not working in the basement and about the dry cleaning not being right.

I sound like a horrendous person!

In addition to the prying eyes of the general public, what about my husband's boss? Is he going to get in trouble for doing personal things at work? I can't risk that!

So I am forced to revise the email, in case it is ever leaked, and write this:

Hey honey,
I love you! Hope you are having a great day at work! Is it okay that I'm emailing you there? I know you have rules about personal emails and I want to stay safely within those parameters.  

Quick question, do you think we should fix the heat in the basement? Totally up to you, whatever you think is best. The kids were just asking me about it and I was like, sure it's going to be fixed, but then one of them was asking if it wasn't fixed because you didn't love them, and I was like of course not! But then I worried they might think that, so just wanted to let you know in case you thought maybe we should get the heat fixed. Up to you, totally. I am great either way! I know we are beyond blessed to have heat in the rest of the house, and I am so grateful for that. And for you!

Also, if you had just like a tiny, quick second to call the dry cleaner during your lunch break I would really appreciate it. There's a small stain on my shirt, and given you and Mrs. Kwong's rapport I thought she might be more receptive to my request to have her take a second look at the shirt f it came from you. Even if she can't fix the stain, they are the best dry cleaners in town! So lucky to have them!

Thanks so much, love you tons and tons! 

xo

---------

And then, right as I'm about to finally push send, I think to myself, is it really enough to have re-written my email so that I appear to be a decent human being to the outside world, and so that my husband looks like a model employee? Is that all I need to do? Don't I also want to come across a a good writer? As someone possessing both a sense of humor and wisdom beyond my years, yet totally chill and relaxed?

Don't answer that: of course I do.

So I edit the email again:

Hey, 

What's up? It's getting like penguin-friendly down in the basement, and I don't know if you have a Mr. Popper thing going on purposely or not, but if not, maybe we should get the heat fixed? Or just get some penguins? LOL the kids would love that! (j/k)

Also, crazy story, but right after viewing nature's spectacular light show which was this morning's sunrise, I motored back from my jaunt into town to pick-up the dry cleaning, and I totes noticed a stain on my shirt. I'm pretty sure Mrs. Kwong left it there purposely as a commentary on modern life and its imperfections, but thought maybe we should check with her and make sure that was her intention. As you know, I'm all about living the mindful life.

Peace. xo

---------

Argh! This person may be a better version of myself, but I don't care because I'm pretty sure the peace-and-love person who wrote that email isn't the same person who is getting the basement heat and the dry cleaning fixed by her husband. Today.

So I sent this email:

Calling you right now. Make sure you answer the phone. xo

Craft Failing...Online *and* in Print!

It's a double craft fail day here at Random Handprints!

First, my advent calendar gone wrong was featured on Monday on CraftFail.com! Check it out in all its imperfect glory in Unattractive Advent Calendar Adventure.

Also, just when you thought my craft failing couldn't get any better (or would that be worse?) I'm featured in the newly released Craft Fail book! Check out CraftFail: When Homemade Goes Horribly Wrong.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has crafts that don't turn out exactly as planned.

Mystery Walks - Anything Could Happen!

I've had the link to an event listing on my list of Things to Write About since I read it last spring, and figured if there was ever going to be a time to share it, Halloween week was that time.

It was an event listing in the local calendar, with the headline: Mystery Walk.

Then this text:

Take a risk and come learn something new! Each walk will be different and will focus on either horticulture, agro-ecology, wildlife ecology, sustainability, or cultural legacy, but you won’t know until you get to the farm!

Wow. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure those are the kinds of risks I'd be willing to take, or frankly, to let my kids take. What if I promised them they were going to be learning about agro-ecology but instead (gasp!) the guide was like, "sorry honey, no agro-ecology for you! You are on the wildlife ecology walk! What's that? You want to switch to a different walk? NO! No trading! It's a mystery walk. You knew the risks when you came here today."

For me, life has enough uncertainty. I'm not going to add to it by not even knowing which of these exactly the same sounding walks I might be going on until I got there. 

Now tell me, what choices would you have if you created mystery walks?

Of course it's the first day of fall....

Ziggy, pictured here in happier, warmer times.

... because I had this conversation with my five-year-old son this morning:

Ziggy: Mom, I'm cold.

Me: Sure you are! It is cold in the kitchen this morning! That's why I'm wearing long pants, socks and a sweatshirt! You're wearing shorts and a tee shirt! Let me go get you some warm clothes.

Ziggy: Uh, I'd rather you didn't.

Me: But if you put the warm clothes on then you won't be cold!

Ziggy: Uh, instead of me putting on more clothes, I was uh thinking you could just make the air warmer?

I tried to explain the concept to him that adults try to delay putting on the heat for the first time of the season, but couldn't really come up with a good reason why.  But it does seem like you should wait at least until October 1 to turn the heat on, and I know some other (in my opinion, crazy) people like to wait until at least November 1.

So tell me, do you put on a sweater when the temperatures get cooler, or do you take Ziggy's approach and just make the air warmer? 

Who knew a description of a gallon of milk could be so hilarious?

I can't remember who told me to check out the Amazon commentary on Tuscan Whole Milk, but I'm sure glad I did. There are too many funny reviews to mention them all, but let's just say I am in awe of the humor people find can find in the humble, unassuming milk gallon.

My personal favorite is this one from J. Fitzsimmons:

Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

Read all the reviews here.

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised by these funny milk reviews, since I already found the Amazon wit in full force in the reviews of Haribo Gummy Bears, Wooden Toilet Seats, and the AutoExec Wheelmate.

Do you have a favorite funny Amazon find?

Amazing bugs

Yesterday, I was on the phone.

My kids are pretty good about not interrupting me, because I'm not much of a phone talker, so if I'm using the phone chances are it's actually something important.

So I wasn't surprised to see my daughter Kay handing me a note.

However, I was a little more surprised when I read the contents of her note:

And I gotta tell you, amazing they were!

_____________

Note: The bugs weren't that amazing. Also, there was only one bug. And it wasn't actually a bug it was a moth. Still, I respect her ability to write a strong lede.

Marketing Fail: Bowtie Cinemas

I dunno about you, but to me, this selection of films is not exactly "returning style and elegance to the movie going experience."

Two Sisters: A Study in Contrasts

One question, asked of two sisters.

The question:
Grandma is spending the night. Can she stay in your room?

The answers:
Kay: NO. SHE. CAN. NOT.

Magpie : Sure! How long? Does she want the bed? I can sleep on the floor. Or in another room, whatever's best. Maybe she'd like my special pillow? She can have it! And my special blanket. Oh, and Snuffles the Dog. He makes everything seem better when you're in a strange place.

Favorite Things Friday: Funny Reviews on Amazon

It truly amazes and delights me how many people are not only hilarious, but take the time to be hilarious and write incredibly funny product reviews on Amazon.


The first time I realized the funny faux review (or should that be faux-view?) was "a thing" was back when this review of Dora the Explorer - Dance to the Rescue was being shared around back in, can you believe it, 2005.


Then, in December I shared reviews of Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, followed in January by Wood Toilet Seats, both which are two of the most viewed posts ever on my blog.


Which tells me I'm not the only person who is a super-fan of the faux-view.
Today I share a favorite of my brother, the reviews of the AutoExec Wheelmate.


Not sure what this is exactly? It's nothing less than a spectacular invention that makes it possible to work while you drive with this convenient work tray that attaches to your steering wheel. Genius, right?


There are thousands of reviews discussing exactly how, uh, genius this product actually is, including a fantastic review by George Takei himself, which as you can imagine, is just perfect.

Make A Matzoh House! Make A Mess! Make Memories!

I love doing craft projects with my kids.

I love asking my mom to help us with some inane part of these craft projects, like finding 82 silver triangle shaped buttons, or in this case, a cardboard model on which to build a matzoh house which I was sure would end up looking something like this:

Alas, our matzoh house, it did not.

However what our matzoh house lacked in suitability as a Passover Seder centerpiece, it made up for as fodder for CraftFail. Read all about how not to make a matzoh house at Martha's Matzoh Mansion.

And many thanks to Robyn who not only described my ramshackle matzoh home as totally, utterly and completely Martha's fault, but created this as well:

Happy Passover!

Prestigious Sal Gosse Academe to Open in Montclair

I recently covered an amazing new preschool that is scheduled to open this fall in Montclair.

Click here to read more about the Sal Gosse Academe on BaristaKids, but I'll warn you now, you will wish you could go there, too when you read about all the incredible amenities at the school.

Funny Amazon Reviews - Wood Toilet Seats (in Greater China)

After discovering the hysterical reviews of Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, I wondered are there more funny Amazon reviews?

The answer is yes.

I present in this edition of Funny Amazon Reviews, the reviews of The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China.

I know what you're thinking, eh sounds kinda dry. But trust me, while the actual report might be (and I'll never know because it's over $400), the reviews are not.

Click here to read them in all their snarky glory.

10 Ways Facebook is Like a Bad Boyfriend (and why you should just break-up with him)

I keep seeing increasingly desperate pleas from Facebook page administrators begging me to help them help me see their Facebook updates.

Honestly, the only thing more boring than Facebook continually making changes to how and who and when it shows page updates to me is reading complaints about how these changes are so hard on the page administrator.

Believe me when I say, more sympathetic I could not be, but at some point it's time to stop complaining and time to start moving on with your social media life.

I feel like that best friend who has listened to you complain on and on and on about your bad boyfriend, and now, can listen no longer. At this point, I can only give advice: it's time to break-up with him. Or at least, it's time to see each other a little less. But the obsessing about it? It is definitely time for that to stop.

Think I'm wrong in comparing your relationship with Facebook to that of one with a bad boyfriend? I think not.

Here are 10 Ways Facebook is Like a Bad Boyfriend:

1. He tells you one thing, but does another. Over and over and over again.

2. He keeps your friends from seeing you - even when your friends have told you (and him) that they want to see you.

3. He thinks your friends are his friends and that he gets to control if, and when, they see you.

4. He threatens that if you want to see your friends ever again you will need to give him money. Lots of money. And not just one time, you will need to pay him over and over again every time you want to see your friends.

5. He creates a ton of drama. You find yourself spending more and more time thinking about what you could do to make him happy.

6. You wonder how you can change to be more like what he wants. You think, "maybe if I use more text and less photos, then he'll like me!"

7. You don't feel good about yourself when you're with him.

8. You obsess about how he is going to treat you next time, and hope this time will be different. (And yet, it never is.)

9. You let him convince you that if you leave him, there's nothing out there that can replace the void.

10. He lets you think you could never be happy without him.

Now tell me, if you wouldn't let a person treat you this way and make you feel this way, why are you letting a social media platform get inside your head?

You will be fine without Facebook! To continue the boyfriend analogy, there are plenty of fish in the sea! Facebook is not the only guy in the social media world, find a better boyfriend!

And last,

Facebook doesn't deserve you.

I'm serious. Facebook doesn't deserve your time and attention any more than a bad boyfriend does. Start dating Google+, Pinterest, Twitter andspend your time and energy on them, and not on Facebook.

And don't forget, living well is the best revenge - and trends show that Facebook will go the way of MySpace, even more quickly once you're gone and not there for Facebook to kick around anymore.

I know this is easy for me to write because I don't have a large following on Facebook, but I would like to think I'd still feel this way even with millions of fans. Social media that doesn't play fair isn't worth the fight.

Disagree? Let me know in the comments why Facebook *is* like a great boyfriend!

Have you read the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bear Reviews Yet?

I've seen a bunch of links floating through my Facebook feed saying the reviews of the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears are sooo hilarious. I thought, eh, how funny could they be? As funny as the Hutzler Banana Slicer reviews? I think not.

I could not have been more wrong.

The Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears reviews are beyond hilarious. Go. Read. Laugh.

Click here to read for yourself.


New here? Check out the Random Handprints Facebook page for more funny stuff, and Instructions for my Husband on Facebook for husband humor.

Amazon affiliate links embedded above, because why not? Oh, and just in case you're wondering, this post is in no way compensated by or endorsed by Haribo.

December Finding the Funny - Share Your Funniest Post Here!

November Finding the Funny - Join Us and Add Your Favorite Funny Post!

Do you know there's a Nickelodeon for moms? Check out NickMom! It's #MotherFunny!

Do you like to laugh? Of course you do, or you wouldn't be reading this - goodness knows you're not here for my crafting abilities or parenting advice. For some seriously funny stuff, check out NickMom. NickMom.com is a site from Nickelodeon that not only is full of laughs and hilarious insights into the life of a mom, but just like a magic eight-ball, it can tell you your personality just by what you drink.

Check out What Your Wine Choice Says About you from the always funny Nicole Leigh Shaw:

I will admit to being someone who picks her wine based on the label. In fact, I make a lot of my decisions for better or for worse on similarly superficial qualities.

Like decorating our Halloween pumpkin with glitter - because hello, glitter always looks awesome -- without really thinking through what would happen if it rained.

I found out what would happen is all the glitter would all wash off, and also that's why people usually carve their pumpkins.

I've also been concerned with getting really good last day of school photos of my school-age kids, that I didn't notice their little brother wasn't even wearing pants.

And then because everyone else makes taking a family portrait at the beach look easy, I thought I'd like to get a nice photo of my family, too. Because I care about appearances (there's that superficial thing again), I asked -- possibly forced -- my son to change, but I think he got the last laugh.

He's wearing the dress shirt as requested, but decided not to button it. And then he paired the shirt with his turtle pants because, and I quote, "they're really the best thing I own."

Indeed. Now where's that bottle of wine, you know the one with the gold unicorn on it?

And don't forget the NickMom.com website isn't the only place you can go for#MotherFunny humor - there's always lots of laughs on the NickMom Facebook page and Twitter feed, too!

A Halloween Tale: Trick or Treating in Suburbia

This story is a few years old and was published in a similar version here back in 2008.

I remember our first time taking the kids trick or treating in suburbia as if it happened yesterday.

We had just moved to suburban Westchester County from New York City, and our daughters (Maggie, age five and Kay, age three) were beyond excited to go "real" trick or treating for the first time.

We hadn't met many of the neighbors yet, so the only house on our must-visit list was Franklin's, whose mom was always really friendly and nice and had told the girls to be sure and come by that night.

As soon as Daddy got home from work, it was time to hit the mean streets of our neighborhood for some trick or treating. We walked up our block stopping at each of our houses, and then turned to go down the opposite side. As we got closer and closer to the house where Franklin lived the kids got more and more excited, "Daddy! You finally get to meet Franklin! Hurry!"

We got to Franklin's house, the nice lady opened the door and said hi, and we then had a conversation that went like this and has become the stuff of family jokes forevermore:

Franklin's Mom: Hi everyone! So great to see you guys!

Me: Hi! Maggie and Kay insisted that the house they wanted to go to the most was Franklin's!

Franklin's Mom: Isn't that sweet! I don't know where Franklin is right now, or I'd have him come say hello... honey (yells to husband) do you know where Franklin is?

Franklin's Dad: I'm not sure, I think he might have gone up the street...

Maggie/Kay Dad, under his breath: Who doesn't know where their five-year-old is? And they don't even know if he might have gone up the street?

Maggie/Kay Dad out loud: Hi, I'm Mike. Nice to meet you. I've heard so much about Franklin. So Franklin and Maggie are in the same class at school?

Laughter.

More Laughter.

Doubled-over laughter.
 

Maggie and Kay: Daddy!!!!! Franklin's a cat!!!!!
 

Maggie/Kay Dad: Oh.
 

And even now, every time the kids mention a new friend, Mike gets a very serious look on his face, narrows his eyes and asks them, "And is this new friend A CAT?"

Happy Halloween! Do you have a Franklin tale?

This is the first in my Halloween Week series. Tomorrow I'm sharing easy Halloween crafts.