Thank you for taking the time to share with all of us instructions for your husband.
Hello readers of Random Handprints! I'm so pleased that Anna has invited me to contribute to the brilliant and utterly essential Instructions for My Husband series!
Instructions for My Husband: How to boil water, so that you may cook a little pasta for your pregnant wife
Preface
The night I gave these instructions to my husband was quite a while ago, but I remember that night clearly. I was eight months pregnant, lying uncomfortably on the couch, and hungry. I didn't have the energy to move my large self into the kitchen to find food, so I asked huz if he could kindly chef up a bowl of whole-wheat elbow noodles for me. The guidance I provided to help him with the task went something like this:
Thanks hun. Start by finding a pot. No, not that pot. That pot would be appropriate if we were boiling ten tons of lobsters to feed the population of a small island. You just need a saucepan. What is a saucepan? It's a small pot.
Oh, I'm sorry that you don’t know where I keep the saucepans. They are where they have been since the day we moved into this house three years ago: in the drawer under the oven.
No, you don't need to fill it to the brim with water. Dump out about half that water please.
What do you mean you've been watching the pot for ten minutes and nothing is happening? Did you turn the burner on? To what number? Oh, I see. Number four isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid. See where it says "HI?" That's where you want the knob pointing.
What do you mean, it's been another ten minutes and nothing is happening? Did you put a lid on the pot? OK, you'll need to go ahead and put a lid on the pot. That way, the water will be able to get hot enough to boil. Wait a minute. You're the one with the engineering degree. Didn't they teach you stuff like that in college?
Where are the lids? They are where they have been since the day we moved into this house three years ago: in the drawer under the oven.
You're tired? Me too. Pick up the phone and press *8. It's speed dial for Golden Mushroom. An order of veggie lo mein should do it.
This is the first guest post in the ongoing series of Instructions for My Husband.
If you would like to be a guest instructor, please email me at anna@randomhandprints.com.
This is too funny! My husband has done the same thing! Unless you give them step by step instructions then you might as well do it yourself! ;)
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not alone. Men! It is almost always easier just to do things yourself. Unless you're prego, feeling like a whale and can't roll off the couch!
ReplyDeletei'm *ashamed*. the roles are reversed in my home. i burn or break everything i touch in the kitchen. the last time i tried to make spaghetti for my family, i set the noodles on fire. the last time i tried to wash some wine glasses, i was holding it too hard while i was soaping it up and it shattered in my hand.
ReplyDeleteperhaps this series should be directed toward husbands and ignorant shopaholics like me.
So funny and true! It was more work for her to supervise than if she had just done it herself. Of course...she got chinese out of the deal, so she won. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious!!!! It should be on a television show, like Everybody Loves Raymond or something. LOL.
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